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it's amazing how you can survive and go on with your life when you start telling yourself they don't matter. 3 more months. 3 more months 3 more months.
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"bertaubatlah sungguh-sungguh. Allah sayang sama kita. Selama hayat dikandung badan, jantung masih berdetap, segeralah jangan tunda taubat sungguh-sungguh. Dan Malaikat pun menyertai kalian seraya mendoakan dan mengaminkan setiap doa kalian agar kalian keluar dari kegelapan menuju cahaya-Nya. Dan Allah benar-benar menyayangi orang-orang yang beriman dan selalu berzikir kepadanya. Salam dari Allah bagi mereka yang selalu berzikir kepadanya dan Allah persiapkan untuk mereka ganjaran yang mulia. Bukankah kekasih senang menyebut nama kekasihnya. Bukankah kekasih senang membanggakan nama kekasihnya. bukankah kekasih senang dibanggakan oleh kekasihnya. Semakin cinta semakin banyak kita menyebut namanya"

"Serahkanlah hidup dan matimu
Serahkan pada Allah semata
Serahkan luka gembiramu
Agar damai senantiasa hatimu"
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yesterday was a reminder of the reason i forced myself to change at all. i'm truly past the phase where i stand up for whatever that negates my beliefs. i think it's funny how some people select the kind of things they wanna be all "this is the line, if you cross it, it's over" when they cross over your lines all the time. it almost seems as if their lives and principles are more important than yours. like if you convey your strong dislike for a certain action that they happen to engage in, they say you're being too judgmental. and they force you to accept them because aren't friends suppose to accept you for the way you are? when it happens to them though, they go all " i can stand everything but that".

well life's full of contradictions and we're after all self-interested beings. it takes maturity to realize that some things are not meant to be. that you may have this grand idea about how your life works out but you know eventually it can materialize in a different, unexpected way. that's where the learning, and adapting comes in.

i'm no longer much of a confrontational person. i think confrontations bring out the worst in people. the amount of betrayal involved is despicable. i find myself almost always identifying with the victim of the confrontation more than the initiator.  perhaps it's the sudden collapse of everything you've built and believed in that saddens me. sure true friend stab you from the front, but i think it should be a gradual process rather than one that is so immediate, it's hard to see much less understand the rationale behind it.

maybe it's because i believe in the higher authority and just desserts that i'm comfortable living my life according to my uncle's sagely advice. i've seen for myself how certain things evolve positively when you exercise patience and intelligence in trying times. again it takes maturity to even see that compensation.  because otherwise, you'll be caught in the inevitable and perennial war against the world.

-basing this argument purely on artificial setting. not attacking any individual in particular. we're all entitled to our views aren't we? =)
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emergence of the later self

it would be cruel to hold me accountable for my beliefs then. naive to even think that i still hang on to them.

tolerance, tolerance.
i'm just putting up with both sides now but you really shouldn't feed the hatred. when you pin your hopes on one group of people, they're bound to disappoint. don't be surprised when your 'friend in need' comes in the form of the person you least expect.

stop the hate. tolerance is key.
yes, it's uncomfortable and demeaning but who are we to judge? everything happens for a reason and i sure can see why things are turning out the way there are. it's absurd but perhaps it's the only way to englighten _____. after all, _____ is the only 'thing' ______ cares about.  i'm just hoping you could open your eyes and understand the situation. because only then will you learn to respect.

Current Mood: annoyed annoyed

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skipped my first lesson today since the semester began. if you knew me at all, you would understand why this is a big deal. i've skipped lessons without caring in the past. and going two weeks without missing a single lesson is an amazing feat. i have no idea how i managed to go on sleeping when the alarm went off. i usually get up on the first note of the song. bah!

anyway, the semester has been extremely taxing. my days end at four and begin at an unearthly 8 o'clock. the readings are as usual abundant. only bright sight is my increasing interest in politics. i came in not knowing why the hell i chose that field.  and 3 semesters on, i'm quite satisfied with my choice. honestly, i don't think i'd be this happy if i had majored in any other field. the revelation of that interest came from an unlikely source but  was nonetheless needed. i would've wasted my entire uni years otherwise.

ok ok. breakfast time.

Current Mood: busy

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yes news of Bhutto's recent assassination has intrigued me as had other deaths and conspiracies theories in the past. i recall the feeling i had as i went through a clear footage of President Kennedy's assassination on youtube not too long ago. i had wished i was alive at that point and followed news of his assassination as diligently as i do now of Bhutto's.

deaths have always fascinated me, especially those of celebrities. i can't recall exactly when this strange interest began or developed. perhaps the deaths of my close relatives in the last 5 years or so fed this obsession. i was always eager to find out the details of events leading to their deaths. whether there were any preceding premonitions or strange behaviors that will make one go "no wonder" later on. they say there are always the early telling signs. some have also claimed that the deceased actually has an inkling that he will pass on but is unable to communicate this feeling to anyone else. and this often caused the previously mentioned signs to rise.

celebrities' deaths are more engrossing because they often generate compelling conspiracy theories. like did he really kill himself? was he involved in an accident? is this a cover up? is he still alive today? conspiracy theorists  thrive on any inconsistency in the official records and from there built on their case until they are satisfied with the findings. perhaps we buy into conspiracy theories because we can't believe the vulnerability of our idols. that they are subjected to forces beyond their control as much as we are. that it can happen to every other human being but it couldn't have happened to him. he couldn't have just died from a road accident. there must be something else to it.

i purchased kurt cobain's biography a little while back precisely because his death spawned a number of interesting conspiracy theories. there are those who are committed to the belief that his wife had a role to play in his 'murder'. others merely accepted the mainstream version which suggested that he died from a self-inflicted shotgun wound. The unfortunate demise of important people like princess diana, john kennedy and robert kennedy elicited similar conspiracy theories.  Until today, for example, we have no clue whether Sirhan Sirhan was the lone gunman who killed robert kennedy that night or whether there was really another shooter involved.

Bhutto's assassination prompted me to find out more about her. why was this woman hated and her life threatened a couple of times? why are opinions so divided on her? i watched the news and clips of her past interviews with the press and i see a woman who is not only intelligent and brave but also one who really wanted to change the fate of her country. her charisma was undeniable. she was able to answer any questions thrown at her with such poise and wit. everything she said sounded accurate and convincing.

but perhaps that is characteristic of most politicians. their ability to cunningly deceive us. media is after all one of the many channels politicians employ to manipulate our malleable minds. certainly bhutto had used this means effectively to engender the views i had of her earlier. the fact remains that honest politicians are rare to find. what we have is usually a power-hungry, corrupt and devious leader who care more about his personal supremacy than he does about the people. bhutto, for one, was twice removed from power due to corruption charges despite there never being any conclusive evidence.

"Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Great men are almost always bad men."

while conspiracy surrounding Bhutto's assassination takes the form of a possible government cover up, i was more curious to know about the life of this interesting female leader who became prime minister twice in an Islamic country averse to (theoretically at least) female superiority. her life behind the political scene was a remarkable discovery. through a couple of articles that provided brief insight into her life, i managed to picture how different bhutto was as an individual, mother and wife.

but what struck me most was her extreme bravery.  despite knowing her life was in danger, she persevered with her campaigns and rallies.  an attack was launched against her as soon she arrived in Pakistan but it never deterred her from carrying out her political agenda. ordinary people, i believe, would have preferred to remain in the comfort of their house until tight security is put into place to ensure their safety. her courage to go out that day and address her supporters and, as if that's not enough, rise through her car's sunroof to wave to the crowd is  truly awe-inspiring.

whatever her intention in returning to Pakistan, be it power and money or the sincere desire to help her country, no one deserves to die in such a tragic manner. in fact it would have been interesting to watch if her third try at premiership would be any different from the last two. if it was really her way of redeeming her past failures. 
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no one wants to be caught in an irrational drama where everything becomes exaggerated and absurd. so we design our escape routes accordingly. whether it's taking drugs, smoking, drinking, clubbing or whatever, the basis is always the same - escaping from the reality that is life.

i guess it's true that there's a point in life when you realized your parents are more messed up than they appear to be. that they don't really know what to do, much less the best decision to make. that they fear the unknown as much as we do. but we expect them to stay strong and not stumble and fall anyhow because they've been our pillar of strength for so long. it's like they're the last strand of hope we hold on to in order to survive. if they fail, our whole world might just collapse.

but what do we do when fact becomes stronger than fiction? what do we do when the world we've built and lived in is actually brittle and the cracks are starting to show?

Current Mood: blah blah

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am i ready to conquer the world? to leave my comfort zone and strike it out on my own? i doubt it but i'd like to try anyhow.

exchange programme application... australia or uk. 6 months in a foreign country? can i make it somehow?

Current Mood: contemplative contemplative

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 "just because people do horrible things it doesn't always mean they're horrible people"

Izzie Stevens

and all i want is to be the person i was before everything became this messed up. i don't want to be the person who gives in all the time. i don't want to be the person who refused to say what she really thinks because they want the other person to feel good about themselves. but that's all i can be. because i was really horrible back then. and i just want people to know i'm not a horrible person. because i'm not.

and sometimes i want people to know it can be really frustrating to be someone you're not. the least they could do is appreciate it. because we're really trying here.

Current Mood: cold cold

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at the end of the day, looking at things from an objective point of view and learning to control one's feelings do result in a more favourable outcome. i believe i have come a long way from the person i was then. i've learnt to put aside my pride and temper and just get things done. others may perceive you as naive, weak and lacking personality, but i say so what? as long as you feel good and get things done anyhow, it's okay if you don't get your message across or if your principles get compromised along the way. sometimes we need to learn the art of giving in and making the best of situations. pride and ego may be the very cause our own downfall. stubbornness might lead us nowhere at all.

a friend once told me she thought i was someone she could quite easily bully. naturally, i'd  disagree with her. i'm not nice to people because i'm stupid or inanately giving. i'm nice because it makes me feel good. in a way it's selfish, because i'm a staunch believer in the concept of doing good to receive good. i'm at the stage where i give in order to receive something good (in the moral sense)  in return. i've yet to reach the stage where i can act more sincerely and refrain from considering the rewards before anything.

but my point is, i've learnt that anger doesn't always solve issues and that angry words can be really painful to bear. if there's one thing everyone should learn in this world, it is the notion of peace. judging a problem based on rationality rather than emotion. giving in when necessary. compromising your pride and ego when the situation calls for it. be the better person and apologize even when we believe the fault is not ours to share.

they're difficult things to do but they usually generate a better outcome. you see the thing that distinguish us from mere animals is our faculty for reason. so use it. feelings alone can delude us. but reason, reason can engender a better end product. especially when you do it in good faith.

Current Mood: busy

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